ADD and Feelings of Inferiority

I had a horrific interaction with my internship supervisor on Thursday. Like seriously horrific. Because this is a public blog and internet sleuthing could probably result in my identity, I won’t post specifics. Suffice it to say it was truly traumatizing, and mostly not my fault. The person in question acted unprofessionally and inappropriately. This person even said at the beginning that my lessons went well, and that I have a great rapport with my students.

Even though I already have a meeting scheduled with the head of the program to mediate, I still am fighting some pretty significant depression over it.

It got me thinking. I take negative comments pretty hard, and I dwell on them. I’ve read that focusing on bad stuff is an ADD trait, but I sometimes struggle in how much of my feelings of inferiority and failure are my ADD and how much of these feelings are just my personality.

And, of course, since I am depressed and feeling sorry for myself, I descend into this spiral. What if it’s not really the ADD at all? What if I just suck at life? What if I am taking the easy way out by blaming all these things on a cognitive disorder?

Do y’all ever feel this way? What do you do?

Scary

My boss just introduced me to someone as the “organized one” I am not sure if this shows that I am an amazing actor or that he is just that disorganized.

Still Alive

I’ve been wicked busy, and then, today, ended up staying home from school because I caught something nasty from the germ-vectors… I mean, students.

I will post very soon about some of the unique challenges of student teaching with ADD, because let me tell you, they exist

Frustration

I have a really hard time dealing with being frustrated with myself. I had, all weekend long, planned today as the day to sit down and do work. Last night, however, a family friend suggested we go swimming and horsebackriding today. Now, I really needed the exercise, and it felt really good, but it ate up practically the entire day. By the time I got home and napped and ate dinner and was able to start on my To Do List, it was 8pm.

I’ve finished almost everything, if not quite to my satisfaction, at least good enough to call it done, but I am still irritated with myself. I need to start saying no to things, even things that are good for me, if I am going to manage my workload.

Sorry for the downer, I’ll try to be funnier tomorrow

Museums and ADD

So the family I am nannying for this summer has a membership to the Children’s Museum. Since the mom works at home, I try to get the kids out as often as possible, so we are at the museum every other week or so. The kids are under 3, so they have no problem doing the same thing over and over.

Every single time I go, I am thankful that my parents were not the kids museum going type when I was little. We went to places like Sturbridge Village and Mystic Seaport, both New England attractions that are historical villages. Most of the attractions are outside, and are way more low key.

I’m an adult now, with way better coping mechanisms, and the children’s museum is an assault on my senses the second I walk in. Bright colors are everywhere, screaming kids, and the smells that go along with hundreds of small screaming children in a small space. Three whole floors of this.

I couldn’t imagine taking a child with ADD here, without careful prep. Even going on off hours, there is so much going on in each exhibit that I think a kid with ADD would be overwhelmed if he or she was the only person in the building.

I think we often fall prey to the common notion that ADD is something that only affects kids in schools, and when I visit sensory rich experiences like this, it reminds me how much of a misconception this is.

This Is Why Everything Takes Forever

I can’t just take a calming relaxing bath.

No, in order to bathe, I must first find candles, and spend an hour making a calming itunes playlist. I seriously am the queen of wasting time.

First Week of Teaching Down

In other news, I still haven’t finished the cleaning that I posted about. What I came home to still on my bed at 12:30 got unceremoniously dumped on the floor at the end of my bed, and is still there, four days later.

This week was Teacher Orientation, also known as Torture Those with ADD. 6 hours of professional development each day, with a measly 30 min lunch break. That’s right, from 8-12 and 12:30-2 I had to sit still in a seat and listen to someone talk about how to teaching writing. First lesson. Not by making the kids sit for ridiculous amounts of time.

I also got to meet some of the parents, and some of the kids. Lordy, will this be interesting. Expect funny stories. Lots of them. Also, hair pulling. Most likely mine.

I am trying to focus on the little things, and create habits to fit my new space. I was really proud of myself for getting up at 6ish each morning, taking a packed lunch, and being dressed appropriately, complete with jewelry. Goals for next week include packing the lunch the night before EVERY time, and making my own coffee instead of buying it at Dunks.

Pre-School Cleaning Post

Really, I shouldn’t stop my momentum by typing this, but hey, shiny!

Things that Work
-Instead of leaving the room to put each thing I find out of place away, I have a single box that everything gets tossed in. Then, I can walk around the house putting these things where they belong
-Same theory in the room itself. Focus on one area, for example, top of the dresser. Anything that goes in the desk gets placed on top of the desk, to be dealt with when I get there. This keeps me from getting distracted in organizing the desk before the dresser is done. It does mean, however, that I have to do the whole room before I stop, otherwise, 3 sections are spotless and 3 sections are impossible to use.

Things that Don’t Work
-Facebook
-Livejournal
-Tossing all the knitting into a pile
-Making An Itunes Playlist to listen to while cleaning
-Going out with a friend at 7pm and not coming home until midnight, when I have to be up at 6AM and my bed is still covered in stuff.

Counter-Intuitive

I have something that I doubt you’ve ever heard someone who is ADD say: There is something very relaxing about organizing, for me, at least.

I feel at peace when I lose myself in an organizational system.

Part of this, I am sure, is that I am usually organizing to procrastinate doing work, as I am tonight. I mean, yes, I can’t do this project until I find all the sheets I need in my messy binder, but there is not reason I need to organize the binder as I do it. I mean, dude, the class ends tomorrow. (Well, technically today, it is after midnight)

But I think that it is deeper than that.

In my educational psych class, we learned about disequilibrium. Short summary, it is when your mind is a little out of whack, and you need to be in disequilibrium to learn something. For example, a child sees all things that swim in the sea as fish, and know that fish don’t breathe air, then see a dolphin breathing air, they must go through disequilibrium and confusion to learn this new fact, and assimilate it.

My theory is that because of the ADD, my brain is always a little out of whack, always trying to keep up with everything I am trying to process. When I lose myself in an organizing system, I do what the system tells me to, and my brain can calm down, relax, and just rest. It doesn’t get to do that much.

I wish I could figure out how to achieve this piece when I’m not in the middle of a crisis period, though.

Do You Have ADD?

Checklists make me laugh. Take this one, from ADDitude, one of my current go-to places for ADD info and support (My comments are in bold):

* Do you feel overwhelmed in stores, at the office, or at parties? Is it impossible for you to shut out sounds and distractions that don’t bother others? Oh dear lord yes

* Is time, money, paper, or “stuff” dominating your life and hampering your ability to achieve your goals? yes, yes, yes, and yes

* Are you spending most of your time coping, looking for things, catching up, or covering up? Do you avoid people because of this? Are you writing this checklist to describe me?

* Have you stopped having people over to your house because of your shame at the mess? I shut my door when people come over to our house, so they can’t see

* Do you have trouble balancing your checkbook? Thank the good lord, the goddess, and the flying spaghetti monster that my online banking does it for me

* Do you often feel as if life is out of control, that it’s impossible to meet demands? What, you mean other people don’t constantly feel like their life is a plane careening towards the ground?

* Do you feel that you have better ideas than other people but are unable to organize them or act on them? Yes. I have had several ideas that I either told my friends and they acted upon, or I later noticed other doing and profiting from

* Do you start each day determined to get organized? Today will be the day I remember to check my planner!

* Have you watched others of equal intelligence and education pass you by? God, yes. It sucks

* Do you despair of ever fulfilling your potential and meeting your goals? In my weaker moments

* Have you ever been thought of as selfish because you don’t write thank-you notes or send birthday cards? Probably. My graduation thank you cards are still sitting on my desk, needing to go out. Graduation was a month ago

* Are you clueless as to how others manage to lead consistent, regular lives? How do y’all do it, anyway?

* Are you called “a slob” or “spacey?” Are you “passing for normal?” Do you feel as if you are an impostor? Yep, yep, not very well, I put on a good show

Hmmm, I answered yes to every question. Maybe I might possibly have ADD?