Counter-Intuitive

I have something that I doubt you’ve ever heard someone who is ADD say: There is something very relaxing about organizing, for me, at least.

I feel at peace when I lose myself in an organizational system.

Part of this, I am sure, is that I am usually organizing to procrastinate doing work, as I am tonight. I mean, yes, I can’t do this project until I find all the sheets I need in my messy binder, but there is not reason I need to organize the binder as I do it. I mean, dude, the class ends tomorrow. (Well, technically today, it is after midnight)

But I think that it is deeper than that.

In my educational psych class, we learned about disequilibrium. Short summary, it is when your mind is a little out of whack, and you need to be in disequilibrium to learn something. For example, a child sees all things that swim in the sea as fish, and know that fish don’t breathe air, then see a dolphin breathing air, they must go through disequilibrium and confusion to learn this new fact, and assimilate it.

My theory is that because of the ADD, my brain is always a little out of whack, always trying to keep up with everything I am trying to process. When I lose myself in an organizing system, I do what the system tells me to, and my brain can calm down, relax, and just rest. It doesn’t get to do that much.

I wish I could figure out how to achieve this piece when I’m not in the middle of a crisis period, though.

Excitement of the Day

I organized both my school and personal inboxes! Go me. Now I will actually be able to find messages that I am looking for. Gmail is my savior.

Today is the last day before the summer semester ends. I am totally overwhelmed, I feel like I didn’t get enough time to hit my stride, and now it is over. I have a huge long To Do list of things to do today, but I am already at the library hacking away on it. I made the right decision that staying at the house would result in watching BSG and sewing, neither of which will help me passes my classes

I was afraid that I would be too distracted by warm weather to concentrate on summer classes, but apparently the weather has been convinced that June is actually March, so that has not been a problem

On Forced Writing

I’ve been averaging a post and a half or so a week for over a month now. Less than my original goal at the beginning of the blog rebirth process, but I haven’t totally forgotten the blog and disappeared for another year, either.





Thinking about my progress got me thinking about deadlines and forced writing. I’ve been with the V family all weekend, helping them pack up and move, by entertaining their children. Mrs. V specifically planned to take the kids with them house-hunting this afternoon, so that I could do homework by myself for a few hours. What did I do? Proofread a novel a friend is getting published, ate popcorn, and chilled. I did not write the paper for psych that I needed to write.

It is very hard for me to just decide, ok, at 2pm I am going to sit down and do work. I need to actually be in the mood for working on whatever needs to get done. Unfortunately, deadlines wait for no man. No ADD girls, either. I do try to capitalize on the times when I am in the mood to write, but those often happen when I can’t actually do it, like yesterday at the children’s museum, when I had two children and no notebook or pen.

Sometimes I worry that it is not the ADD, but just a lack of self-discipline. That really, not being able to just buckle down and do things is my own damned fault, and I shouldn’t blame a disorder for my screwups. Of course, I know that self-doubt and worry are two symptoms of ADD, but then I worry that maybe I’m excusing the behavior by attributing it to a disorder I can’t change. And around and around it goes.

The bottom line is, I get stuff done. Even if I have to pull all-nighters, I do have everything done when it needs to be done. My goal is that some day, I will be able to have a slightly more relaxed approach, and finish things :gasp: early, on occasion, but for now, done suffices.

Score 1 For the ADD, 0 for Nic

So as I finished up work and sat down to do my homework this evening, I get an email from my professor saying that she is canceling class for tomorrow morning, as she is sick. Of course, this means that I don’t have to do my homework tonight, and can watch Battlestar Gallactica and sew instead. One of my housemates pointed out that I could do the homework anyway, and I giggled, cause clearly, the man does not understand ADD.

Possibly Good, Possibly Bad

So on Tuesday, we met with our internship supervisors.

Because my college hates me and my ADD, I have 3 separate people I need to deal with and report to: my academic advisor, my seminar professor, and my internship supervisor. My supervisor is the only one I haven’t taken a class with, because she isn’t actually a professor here.

We met and chatted about the year ahead, and then she asked the million dollar question:

Is there anything else I want her to know about me?

I bit the bullet, and said it. “I have ADD, and please feel free to bug me about deadlines”

I know it is supposed to be the kiss of death job-wise, but this isn’t a job yet. It is school, and I need to get through it.

She thanked me for telling her, and we’ll see how this goes. First impressions are hard.

Frustration

One of the problems about not having an official ADD diagnosis is not getting accommodations in college. So if you think you have ADD, please, please, go see a doctor and get diagnosed. When I have functioning health insurance again, I plan to do the same, even though at this point, it’s too late to really help with school. Some day, I’ll tell the whole exciting story about why I do not have an official diagnosis.

My point today, however, is teaching and learning styles. Neither of the professors I have for this summer session has a teaching style that meshes well with my learning style. Both of them are “soft due date” types, ones to assign homework at the end of class, for the next one. I have trouble dealing with that. Between work and my natural ebb and flow of concentration levels, I like to know what is coming up, and what is due in the near future.

I’m trying to plan ahead and set dates for myself based on the limited information that they’ve given so far (The order of topics) but I am not nearly as good at adhering to my own deadlines as I am at outside ones.

Shiny Girl is Productive

Today was a good day. Dropped off the family I nanny for at the airport far too early, then I took off running on the chores I needed to get done. With some help from the cleaning service, who will take some getting used to, (I left, and came back to everything I hadn’t dealt with piled very neatly in weird places), things are neat enough for me to be able to concentrate.

Classes start tomorrow. I have a certain amount of day-before-school nerves, which is typical for me. I put them to use grocery shopping, packing a lunch, and starting to write thank you cards for Graduation gifts.

I have finally learned my lesson, that you cannot prepare all of your school supplies before you know what the professor wants or expects. So I have 1 reusable folder and a matching colored notebook for each class. Add in my pencil case of writing goodness and my highlighter set, and we’re ready to go.

I am thinking positive, so this will go well.

Damnit.

About that College Thing

As of yesterday, around noon, I am done with my undergraduate college work. Noon, because that is when I met with my internship professor. When did I finish my paper and portfolio to give her? 11AM, as I packed up the two kids I was nannying who I needed to bring with me to the meeting. Some things never change.

Do I think that I would have done better in college if I had my ADD under better control? Yes. Am I learning to let go of things that are in the past and can’t be changed? Yes, finally. So it is over, and It is what it is. I do plan on continuing to do little featurettes on strategies that did work for me and strategies that did not. I know, I know, I’m promising an awful lot here. I have the best of intentions, I swear

Do not fear, though, there is more ADD ranting about college to come. Next Tuesday I start my Masters in Education Program. Two classes this summer, then fieldwork throughout the school year. After that, Y’all get to hear the excitement that is trying to deal with one’s ADD as a teacher. At least I will always have material to write about.

Now, to sleep, as I have to move tomorrow. In typical ADD fashion, nothing is in boxes, everything is a mess, and I didn’t do any of the pre-organization I hoped to do.

Stupid

I am only human.

It would be really easy for me to only post good things about my ADD, and not mention the bad. But that isn’t fair to you the reader, and it is not fair to me, as this is supposed to be an account of my life with ADD. And you know what, sometimes it sucks. Sometimes, I do stupid shit.

Like, for example, Monday night

I have a prescription for Adderall. I don’t use it very often, because really, I cannot control what it makes me focus on, but it tends to be cleaning, organizing, or other useful things that provide no scholarly benefit. But I had a project, a paper, and a quiz to study for. So I took it. Because Hope Springs Eternal.

At 11:30pm, I made this list:

Here was my To Do List

-reread Hamlet
-finish math game
-write up prospectus for thesis

Here is what I got done
-cleaned out underneath bed
-folded and put away all clothes in dresser
-hung up and organized all clothes in closet
-dry and wet swiffered the floor, including cleaning underneath my desk, which has not happened since September. It took 3 dry cloths and 2 wet ones
-Moved around roly-set-of-desk-drawers from under desk to under bed to give me more room
-Cleaned and organized desk
-Cleaned and organized shelves above desk
-Cleaned and organized pull-out keyboard drawer into something ueseful
-printed out reading assignment for Children’s Lit tomorrow
-Threw clothes into backpack to prep for going to Inae’s tomorrow.
-Got some emailing done that needed to get done.

Noticed that none of the three things on the To Do List are on the Done List.

At midnight, I took another adderall, sat down at my desk, and got shit done. The paper and the project got done and done well, and I said fuckit on studying Hamlet. This turned out to be okay, since he canceled the quiz anyway.

I finished up at 6:30 AM, and took a 45 minute nap before heading off to my classes.

Fucking Stupid. I should know better. Now, there is no guarantee that  I would have gotten  the work done any faster had I not taken the adderall, since knowing me I would have sat on the computer and done useless things instead.  But  when I am already stressed out in general, not sleeping is the best way to get sick, asthmatic, and more stressed.

Frustrated

It is the time during the semester when I usually get horribly overwhelmed.

I’ve made summer plans, know what I’m doing, and just want it to be here now. I’m sure all of you with ADD know what I am talking about, once you decide to do something, you want to do it RIGHT NOW

Instead, I have papers to write, projects to do, and homework to catch up on. I have so much to do, and all I want to do is pack my things and have it be summer now.