The first step is the hardest

I’ve been back from 2 weeks of no internet, no air conditioning, and no crazy city life for 3 days now, and I’ve only put a dent in my to do list in the last 15 minutes. I’d like to point out that a good portion of this to do list needed to be done in July.






I find things hardest to do when they are already over their due date. It’s like, well, I already fucked it up, why even bother? Of course, lots of things are still perfectly fine if they are done late, but it is very hard to get out of that high expectation rut. It is one of the reasons that I hate To Do Lists. They end up staring at me, pointing out the things I failed to accomplish.Then I fail to accomplish more, and it is one big spiral down to that happy-fun-ADD-depression.






The only thing that sucks more than fear of failure is actual failure. It is really hard to face it and say, yeah, I fucked up, so now I should do the best I can to fix it. It’s way easier to ignore it and hope it goes away. Sitting here typing, I can be like, hey Nic, that is a stupid plan, but I keep doing it, in school, in life, and romantically. It really sucks watching yourself make the same damned mistakes, over and over.






So that’s it. First step done. I sent those overdue emails. Now, to do the cleaning that I planned to do sunday, and then I will finish dealing with my fucking school loans tonight.

Frustration

One of the problems about not having an official ADD diagnosis is not getting accommodations in college. So if you think you have ADD, please, please, go see a doctor and get diagnosed. When I have functioning health insurance again, I plan to do the same, even though at this point, it’s too late to really help with school. Some day, I’ll tell the whole exciting story about why I do not have an official diagnosis.

My point today, however, is teaching and learning styles. Neither of the professors I have for this summer session has a teaching style that meshes well with my learning style. Both of them are “soft due date” types, ones to assign homework at the end of class, for the next one. I have trouble dealing with that. Between work and my natural ebb and flow of concentration levels, I like to know what is coming up, and what is due in the near future.

I’m trying to plan ahead and set dates for myself based on the limited information that they’ve given so far (The order of topics) but I am not nearly as good at adhering to my own deadlines as I am at outside ones.

Stupid

I am only human.

It would be really easy for me to only post good things about my ADD, and not mention the bad. But that isn’t fair to you the reader, and it is not fair to me, as this is supposed to be an account of my life with ADD. And you know what, sometimes it sucks. Sometimes, I do stupid shit.

Like, for example, Monday night

I have a prescription for Adderall. I don’t use it very often, because really, I cannot control what it makes me focus on, but it tends to be cleaning, organizing, or other useful things that provide no scholarly benefit. But I had a project, a paper, and a quiz to study for. So I took it. Because Hope Springs Eternal.

At 11:30pm, I made this list:

Here was my To Do List

-reread Hamlet
-finish math game
-write up prospectus for thesis

Here is what I got done
-cleaned out underneath bed
-folded and put away all clothes in dresser
-hung up and organized all clothes in closet
-dry and wet swiffered the floor, including cleaning underneath my desk, which has not happened since September. It took 3 dry cloths and 2 wet ones
-Moved around roly-set-of-desk-drawers from under desk to under bed to give me more room
-Cleaned and organized desk
-Cleaned and organized shelves above desk
-Cleaned and organized pull-out keyboard drawer into something ueseful
-printed out reading assignment for Children’s Lit tomorrow
-Threw clothes into backpack to prep for going to Inae’s tomorrow.
-Got some emailing done that needed to get done.

Noticed that none of the three things on the To Do List are on the Done List.

At midnight, I took another adderall, sat down at my desk, and got shit done. The paper and the project got done and done well, and I said fuckit on studying Hamlet. This turned out to be okay, since he canceled the quiz anyway.

I finished up at 6:30 AM, and took a 45 minute nap before heading off to my classes.

Fucking Stupid. I should know better. Now, there is no guarantee that  I would have gotten  the work done any faster had I not taken the adderall, since knowing me I would have sat on the computer and done useless things instead.  But  when I am already stressed out in general, not sleeping is the best way to get sick, asthmatic, and more stressed.

Frustrated

It is the time during the semester when I usually get horribly overwhelmed.

I’ve made summer plans, know what I’m doing, and just want it to be here now. I’m sure all of you with ADD know what I am talking about, once you decide to do something, you want to do it RIGHT NOW

Instead, I have papers to write, projects to do, and homework to catch up on. I have so much to do, and all I want to do is pack my things and have it be summer now.